One Is The Loneliest Number
by ex-angel
Summary: a one-shot about what celena feels after she is changed back from dilandau. contains mature situations. don't like, don't read. so simple.


**One is the Loneliest Number**

Disclaimer:  No, I do not own Escaflowne.  If I did, the series would NOT end the way it does…and the movie wouldn't be like that, either ^.^

A/N:  *sighs*  well, I'm taking the plunge again.  My last Escaflowne fic fizzled and died, so we'll have to see what happens with this one.  Any questions, comments, or suggestions are greatly appreciated…Thanks!

**Warning:  This contains some mature content, including suicide attempts and some adult language.  Please read at your own caution, and be aware of the rating.  I refuse to be sued because someone doesn't read the rating and is offended.**

~*~

Celena sat quietly in the bright sunshine, absently pulling petals off the daisy she held in her hand.  Her short golden curls reflected the sunlight, as did the sparkling tears that glided down her rosy cheeks.  Since that day so many colors ago, she had done this exact same thing.  The young girl couldn't figure out what was wrong, but there was a hole the size of Gaea in her heart.  Her brother, Allen, had tried to comfort her and tell her it was just a stage from being in her "coma", but Celena could tell from his voice that he was lying to her.  Something had happened, and whatever it was, it was hurting her like hell.

Her crystalline tears fell from her jawbone and hit the rich dark soil, each one creating a small indentation.  She turned her face upward towards the sky, as if searching for some divine answer to her dilemma.  _The gods hate me..._she thought with something of a half smirk.  After the thought passed, however, her face fell once again into the mixed expression of pain and sorrow.  She looked to the daisy, its petal-less form limp in her hand.  The snow-white petals surrounded her in an odd sort of half-circle, with the wilted remains of other plucked daisies scattered among them.  She sighed and selected her next victim, continuing on with her mindless action.

As she sat, a vision of a silver-haired boy with garnet eyes kept flashing through her mind.  Each time this happened, her heart would twinge a little and her mind would begin to race in order to try to place who the striking young man was.  Try as she might, though, she couldn't identify him, contributing his vision to her overactive imagination.

When she finished off her final daisy, she rose to her feet, dusted herself off, and headed back to the manor.  She had to get Allen to tell her the truth.  If she didn't, she thought that the pain just might kill her.  

As she entered the huge front room, she felt a sudden strange sensation come over her.  As she looked into the mirror directly in front of her, she saw herself change.  Her golden curls became silver and trimmed; her blue eyes flashing garnet.  She blinked repeatedly and shook her head, but her reflection remained as someone else.  The boy in the mirror put a finger to his lips, signaling her to be quiet, then smiled at her.  Celena suddenly was aware of the voice within her head. _...remember me?  We were together for so long..._  Celena was about to try to respond, but the boy had vanished from the mirror, her own confused expression meeting her gaze.

~*~

Later that evening at dinner, Celena still thought about the boy in the mirror.  She was afraid to ask Allen about it, realizing how incredibly stupid and crazy she would sound.  She looked across to her brother, the epitome of a gentleman.  His table manners were better than any woman's that Celena had ever met.  She sat and stared at him eat.  Each movement was precise and direct.  He ate his food with a slow, constant rate, and Celena just didn't want to interrupt him.

When he finally realized that Celena was staring at him, Allen set down his fork and blushed slightly.  "Sorry," he murmured.  "I wasn't paying very close attention."

Celena grinned, and then tried to think of a way to ask him about what had happened earlier that day.  "A-Allen…"  she began, unsure of herself.  He looked into her eyes with a gaze that somehow comforted her.  "Allen, I have to know what really happened to me.  You have to tell me."

Allen's face fell.  He tried to continue to look Celena in the eye, but he couldn't.  His gaze dropped to his plate, and his chin began to quiver.  "I can't…I can't…" he stuttered.

Celena got out of her chair and walked around to sit next to Allen.  Her eyes carried a sense of urgency, and her gaze burned into Allen's face.  "Allen, I have *got* to know…some weird stuff has been happening, and if I don't find out what went on, I'll go crazy!"

Allen's expression became cold, and his eyes became dull.  "I can't Celena.  I swore I would never tell, as a Caeli Knight.  I can't go back on that."  Without even allowing Celena another word, he rose from the table and exited the dining room.  Celena stared after him, her eyes not jarring from the door even after he'd gone.  She felt the hot tears trickle down her cheeks and the silent sobs wracking her body.  After several minutes, she stood and walked to her room, locking the door behind her.  She lay down on her bed, clutching her pillow to her chest, and cried herself to sleep.

~*~

Celena jolted awake into the pitch blackness of her room.  The white lace curtains billowed into the room as the light summer breeze blew through the open window.  The smell of night enveloped the room, and Celena could hear the faint sounds of wildlife drifting on the air.

She shivered in the cool air, finally noticing the cold sweat that was broken out on her skin and realized she had been having another one of her crazy-ass dreams.  She rose from the bed, pulling the window closed, and shuffled to her wardrobe to pull out a sweater.  A red sweater.  She didn't know why, but she loved the color red now.  Every time she saw it she was reminded of something, but couldn't remember.  It was like a continuous sense of deja vu.  She had also picked up a strange fascination with a scar on her right cheek that she had no recollection of getting.  Whenever she was nervous or scared, she'd stroke the thin white line that ran down her face in order to comfort herself.

Lots of things about Celena had been changing lately.  Not really noticeable differences, but enough that she could tell.  She felt different all the time now, not like herself.  She didn't think that Allen had noticed.  She hoped he hadn't.  She didn't want to alarm him because she could see how much stress he was under.

_I just don't know...if this keeps on...I can't take it that much longer.  No one understands, not even Allen anymore.  _Tears began to run hard from her eyes as she thought of what could happen.  _There is one thing I know I can do..._

Looking to the corner of her room, she saw the sword that she so often trained with.  Gaea's two moons were reflected in its sheath, giving it a faint glow in the darkened space.  Crossing to the spot, Celena felt the cool touch of the metal, making pins and needles run up her arms as the goose bumps overtook her flesh.  She returned to her bed and sat, forehead pressed against the hilt, contemplating.

Slowly and deliberately, she unsheathed the sword, fingering the blade.  She ran her forefinger up the length, creating a deep gash that wept crimson.  Slightly alarmed at the sight of her own blood, Celena quickly took the finger into her mouth to suck away the blood.  The sweet coppery taste swished over her tongue, and a warmth took over from the sticky liquid.  Withdrawing her finger, she took sword in hand, looking around her room one last time.  With that, she raised the blade and swept it across her left wrist, her skin giving way like melted butter.  A red haze filled her vision, the blood seeping into her sheets and clothing.  She felt herself slipping into unconsciousness.  The last thing she saw was the silver-haired boy, reaching out for her with a solitary tear trickling from the corner of his garnet eye.

Black engulfed her.

~*~

Down the hallway, Allen heard his sister's crying end abruptly.  He hoped she had finally gone to sleep.  Celena might not have known, but Allen heard her each and every night.  It tore him up inside, but he knew that she would never understand if she learned the truth.  Celena was so naïve and innocent that it would shatter her fragile psyche.

Allen sat and stared at the wall, trying to figure out what he was going to do.  He was ripped out of his thinking by the sound of metal clattering to the floor.  _Celena..._  

He grabbed his sword and raced down the hall.  Finding Celena's door locked, he kicked it open and burst in.  Once inside, he thought at first his eyes deceived him.  There Celena lay on her bed, with a pool of blood surrounding her.  "Celena!" he yelled, sprinting to her side.  "Oh, FUCK!"  The girl's face was pallid and her features looked waxy.  He grabbed her hand, frightened by the icy temperature.  He pressed his fingers into the crook of her neck, desperately seeking her pulse.  He could already see she wasn't breathing.  He finally found a pulse, with each beat weakening a little bit more.  Not really sure of what he was doing, he gathered Celena's limp form into his arms, bundled up in her comforter, and ran like hell down to the stables.  He grabbed the first horse he came upon, mounted, and holding Celena tightly rode down the rode into the dark, heading for Millerna at the Asturia Palace.

The ride was thankfully short, and they reached their destination in what seemed like a couple miets.  Upon reaching the palace, Allen ran through the gates, bowling over the guards, and through the front door.  "MILLERNA!" he screamed, not knowing where in the palace she was.  "MILLERNA! HELP! PLEASE!"

Millerna came racing down the stairs, the fear apparently clear on her face.  When she saw Celena's limp form in Allen's arms, she gasped and quickened her pace.  Immediately there was a buzz about the palace.  Between Millerna yelling orders and the confusion of the entire staff, the palace became a huge hubbub.  

"I need dressings, water, soap, and would somebody PLEASE do something about Allen!"  Millerna snapped, and Allen was immediately whisked away.

With Allen finally out of her hair, Millerna worked quickly and efficiently.  She immediately washed out the gash across Celena's wrist, then dressed it to try to stop the bleeding.  When she had finished that, she had Celena put into a warm bath to hopefully draw her out of shock.  She had begun to breathe again, ragged gasps that came irregularly.  Her heartbeat had picked up, and now was beginning to beat at almost an alarming speed.  The bandages did not last long and the gauze was soon stained red as the gauze eagerly drank up the excessive amount of blood.  Repeatedly changing the dressing, keeping Celena warm, and constantly monitoring her breathing and heart rate, Millerna soon had Celena stabilized.  She couldn't imagine why Celena, of all people, would do something like this…she looked to the younger girl with a maternal eye and sighed, instructing one of the maids to look after Celena and alert Millerna immediately if anything happened.  With one last glance, Millerna went to find Allen.

~*~

Allen sat on the bed of the room where the servant had led him.  Between his gasping sobs, four words could be made out of his mumbling.  "Its all my fault, its all my fault, its all my fault…"  Millerna entered quietly, drying her hands on a towel.  She looked to Allen and smiled sadly, realizing how much of a strain this was putting on him.  She couldn't recall ever seeing the Caeli Knight cry, and it was more than a little upsetting to her.  She crossed the room to sit next to him on the bed, gently laying a hand on his shoulders as they heaved violently.  As soon as he had quieted down a little bit, she told him the news she had brought.

"She's stabilized.  She's lost a lot of blood, but she's going to make it.  What the hell happened tonight, Allen?"  She knew it was a blunt way of putting it, but she had to know.

Allen sighed, attempting to wipe away his tears with his shirt sleeves, but to no avail as the were still covered with Celena's blood from the ride over.  Millerna handed him the towel in her hand, and he began to speak, so quietly it was barely a whisper.  "I…I really don't know.  She asked me…asked me about what had really happened.  I told her I couldn't tell her because I had swore it, a stupid excuse.  I just left her sitting there, all alone.  I heard her go to her room, and she was…she was c-crying."  A fresh onslaught of tears and sobs overtook Allen, and Millerna held him tightly, comforting him until the tears ceased once more.  "The crying, it stopped…I thought she had finally gone to sleep.  Gods, I'm so stupid…why?  Why the hell did I do that to her?"

"Allen, I need to know what happened here," Millerna said, her voice deathly calm.  "…Celena could be in grave danger from herself.  Its not your fault she tried to do this, but we're going to have to help her, so I need the rest of the story."

Allen continued after a shaky breath, "After a little bit I heard the clatter of metal to the floor, and I thought someone was attacking her or something.  I grabbed my sword and ran down to her room, but the door was locked.  I kicked it in, and…and then I saw here.  Lying there on the bed…surrounded by…oh, Gods!"

He lost it.  Allen ran into the bathroom, barely reaching the toilet in time.  He vomited, over and over again.  Millerna followed him in, holding back his long golden hair and offering him water to wash out his mouth.  Once through, he allowed himself to be led back to the bed by Millerna, where he once again sat and tried to finish his tale.

"I panicked, Millerna, and I didn't know what to do.  You were the first person to cross my mind, so I wrapped her up and rode over here as fast as I could.  I'm so sorry for doing this to you…"

Millerna looked Allen straight in the eye.  "Don't be silly, Allen Schezar.  You did the right thing, and I'm glad you came to me.  And you can't blame yourself for this.  You never intentionally hurt her, and you know that.  She's going to live, Allen, and we're going to help her.  Trust in that, and trust in me."

"Thank you so much, Millerna…you saved her.  Thank you." Allen whispered.  He leaned in and kissed Millerna sweetly.  When he pulled back, there were tears in both of their eyes.  "Is it alright if I see her?"

Millerna nodded.  Then, taking Allen by the hand, led him up to see his baby sister.

~*~

Walking into the room Allen felt his heart drop.  Celena was lying on a bed in a light yellow nightgown, making her pale skin look a ghost white.  The bandage around her wrist was stained a light blush color as the blood flow had slowed drastically.

"Oh, Celena…" he whispered.  He walked to the side of her bed and sat down in a chair, gently taking her hand in his own.  Millerna seated herself across the bed, holding Celena's other hand.  Allen issued a sigh as the tears began to once more fall from his eyes.  "Gods, Millerna.  Why would she do this to herself?  I never realized that knowing meant that much to her."

Millerna looked to him with sympathy in her eyes.  "Because, Allen.  Dilandau was always there, and now there is nothing but a void…she's empty where he used to be."

Allen buried his head into Celena's hand, his tears mixing with her blood on the bandage.  "I can't tell her, Millerna…she'd never understand.  She'd also never forgive me.  I can't."

"So what're you going to do, Allen?  Lie to her?  As if that will make it so much better.  I think its time you let the whole "Caeli Knight honor" thing go, and start thinking about your family.  You're all she has now, Allen.  You need to be there for her, or else she has no one, and this is what happens," Millerna said, almost sharply, motioning towards Celena's wrist.  "She needs to know.  Its time for you to choose between honor and family."  Millerna rose and exited the room, leaving Allen in something of a state of shock.  He'd never heard Millerna speak like that before, but he knew she was right.

Looking down into Celena's face, he tried to figure out a way to tell her.  _This is going to be a *long* night._

~*~

Several hours later, Celena finally stirred.  She felt groggy and lightheaded, and her wrist hurt like a bitch.  She looked around at her surroundings, trying to let her eyes focus but to no avail.  The only thing she could discern out of the blur of the room was the form of her brother dozing in the chair that sat next to her bed.  As she struggled into a sitting position, Allen woke with a start.  He gazed around with a  blank look on his face, then shot out of his chair as his eyes fell on Celena.

"Celena!  You're awake!"  He sat next to her on the bed and pulled her tightly into his arms.  Slightly confused, Celena returned the embrace, not wanting to let him go.  As he drew away, she noticed his shirt was stained in blood.  Her eyes went wide as the memory of what had happened hit her.  She looked down to her wrist, seeing the blood seeping into the bandages and began to cry.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed.  Allen took her once more into his arms, comforting her until her cries were silenced.

"Shh-shh.  Its okay.  All I care about is that you're alright.  Now tell me, Celena, why did you do this?"

"It hurts Allen, it hurts so much.  I just can't stand it anymore,"  she whispered in reply.

"What hurts, Celena?  Your wrist?"

"No…the gap.  The hole in my soul,"

Allen looked at his sister, knowing exactly what she was talking about.  "Celena…"  he paused to take a breath, then continued on, looking into her eyes with a sad expression.  "Celena, I haven't told you the truth about what happened to you.  About ten years ago, the Zaibach Empire kidnapped you from us, and we all thought you were dead.  The truth was you were still very much alive, but not as you.  They had changed you into something…some_one_ else.  During the Great War, we fought against you without realizing it.  Zaibach had changed you and trained you to become a ruthless killer.  They made you into D-"

"Dilandau," Celena whispered "…I never realized why that name was always in my mind…now I know.  Please continue, Allen."

Swallowing hard, Allen went on. "After the war, something happened…Dilandau ceased to exist, and you came back again.  Our doctors and medical scientists couldn't figure it out.  They said you would never remember, but I guess they were wrong.  None of us know where Dilandau went to, Celena…we don't know if he's still in there, or if he's gone."

"He's still here…I can feel him sometimes.  Sometimes he talks to me in my dreams or in my mind, but until now I never knew who he was.  He's lonely, Allen…he needs me badly."

"Celena, no.  I already lost you once, and I can't take that chance again.  Please, please, don't allow him to come into your mind anymore.  Dangerous things could come about."

"Just because you can't understand him, Allen, doesn't mean that I don't.  Please trust me on this one.  I need him, too…"  She looked to her brother with tears in her eyes, silently pleading his agreement.  "I'll die without him.  He is a part of me that I need.  Please, Allen…please trust me."

Allen looked to his hands in defeat.  He couldn't change her mind, and he knew that.  Dilandau was a part of her, and that thought scared the shit out of him.  But he couldn't stand losing Celena again…tonight was close enough.  Slowly, he nodded his head.

"Thank you, Allen," Celena whispered, with a sudden smile lighting her face.  "I promise that he won't have any affect on you.  He'll live in me, but he won't live through me.  I'm in control, Allen, I can feel it."

~*~

Several colors later, back at the Schezar Manor, everyone could see how much Celena had changed.  She had suddenly bloomed into a lovely young woman who was happy and smiled all the time.  Allen still had his doubts about her allowing Dilandau to come into her mind, but for the time being, things were good.  

The scar on Celena's wrist had healed well, and all that was left was thin white line practically invisible unless one was looking for it.  It served as a constant reminder to all who had been involved that night how precious her life was.  

As for Celena, Dilandau had become her utmost confidante.  She told him things that no one else would ever know; her childish fantasies, her dreams, everything that a girl tells her best friend.  She played happily all day long with him, and at night he came alive to her in her dreams.  They were inseparable (no pun intended).

Watching Celena play from his balcony, Allen smiled at the sight of his sister.  She had finally found someone, and that was all that mattered right now.  If something came up, they could deal with it then. 

Life was perfect.

~*~

A/N:  Well, that concludes my little one-shot.  Please let me know what you think, and any suggestions for revision that could improve the story will most certainly be taken into consideration.  Thanks a ton!  ^.^


End file.
